Still Worth It

I am not sure where the inspiration is coming from, maybe I am on a roll here as I am slowly getting used to this form of expressing my thoughts and feelings. But I've had this thought on my brain for awhile now, so why not share?

We are a one income family since we made the decision for me to stay home after Ariana was born and raise the kids versus paying out an arm and a leg to have somebody else watch our kids. It was a prayer of mine at the time to be able to make life work on one income so that it could be a reality, which was answered when my husband took a new job at the company he is currently at. Although a blessing, we needed to learn new ways of living (shall we say being frugal.

I am very careful about all purchases I make. We talk about the budget a lot, and there is very little wiggle room. It has not been easy, but I have learned so much! I have learned to live with less and be content with less. I don't buy new except some gifts for others because it is such a waste of money!! I have repaired and renewed things in our home. I even sewed two comforters together in my sons' room to make a "new" warmer one.

I have sewn gloves two, maybe three times, worn the same shoes for years, and bought used clothing for the family. And you know what? I feel good about not needing to "keep up" with the latest fashions; I like simple and comfortable. Don't get me wrong, it's nice to "dress up" and sometimes and I do that, but that's on the cheap too. I don't think this new part of me will ever really change even if our budget does. I like all the money I "save" by being thrifty.

This brings me to the car: The '99 Silver Ford Contour I bought new when Andrew was a baby (a huge mistake made out of desperation for reliable vehicle for work). I have an emotional attachment to that car but it's nothing nice to look at now.
Years ago, I was side swiped by a city truck when we lived in St. Paul. The car was still "new" then so we fixed it up. Also, three years ago, when coming home Paul was rear ended. At this point, the car was deemed "totaled"; not worth putting money into as my husband tells me. The back bumper is a crunched mess, the trunk barely opens, the dash has bubbled up from a bad design, and right now the heat is stuck on low.

And yet the car will be twelve years old in September and has been paid off for eight years. The little vehicle has served us well and continues to do so and we have never had to sink a bunch of money into it except regular maintenance. So I think good old Betsy deserves a little TLC: a new bumper and a heater repair. all this work not in the budget right now but I'm not giving up hope. A few little fixes, some cleaning, and she'll be good as new. I'm not gonna give up on her, I am gonna take care of her like she's cared for us all these years. Yeah my car has a name, she's a she, and I am a little too attached perhaps. Good old Betsy has saved us a hefty car payment for many years and I am grateful.

This is how I think God feels about us, He sees beneath the exterior. Beyond the broken and crushed parts of us, past the defects, well beyond the muck and grime. He sees the core of us, the strength, the perseverance, the shiny parts, and then says: "Yep that's one good investment. She's worth fixing up, a tune up, or even an overhaul and some day she's gonna be NEW. I have a whole new body for that one and I can't wait until I can give it to her".

Letting Go

I was asked recently to share my faith story. Since I am wide awake and it's quiet, I'm gonna share it with you too.
Some of you know this, some of you don't, and now you will. I was a single mom once. And NO I am not ashamed of that fact, because it brought me to the point that I am about to tell you about.
I was 23, living on my own, in a crappy (but affordable) apartment. I was happy to be employed, sad I was only making 10 dollars an hour with my degree and all, glad to be away from an empty and lonely engagement with my son's biological father, sad I was working long days and just dead beat tired all the time. My son was what kept me going every day- happy, smiley, loving little Andrew. I still smile when I think about the fact that he was the biggest gift of unexpected joy God had given me in my life up until that point. Yeah graduating college was great, but having my son to love- the BEST!
Anyway, sometimes though the pressure of just making the bills day in and day out would get to me and I'd cry in the shower. It was the only place I could cry without waking my infant son in the evenings.
One night I'm in the shower and just sobbing really. The kind that just wells up out of you and is uncontrollable. It had to come out- there was no way to even try and stifle these raw emotions. It was like my chance to let "strong" Amy off the hook since the work of the day was done, and "hurting" Amy could express herself.
Anyway, I am just feeling so beaten down and broken. Not hopeless, but just plain exhausted. I was doing it ALL alone, and the weight of it all was heavy.
At this point in my life I believed in God, prayed a little bit, went to church sometimes, and didn't have much time to read my bible. I didn't have much of a relationship with God. I didn't know how much He loved me.
I'm crying and I just fall to my knees and ask God to come into my life and take over. "I can't do it alone". "If I'm gonna be a single mom for the rest of my life I'm gonna need help". That was my prayer.
It was my continual prayer for awhile. "I NEED your help God".
It was also the beginning of feeling like I could tell God everything. It was the beginning of me not trying to do it all on my own anymore, the beginning of me learning to "Let go and Let God".
From that point on I started to notice life not necessarily getting easier, just filled with more hope. There wasn't the despair, and the weight of being a single mom seemed manageable.
It was the beginning of learning about my Savior. Each pain that I have gone through in life since has just strengthened this relationship. I learned and grew throughout them, not handling on my own, but allowing God to be with me in it.
Prior to this crying out to God, I just handled it all myself- and not so well at times. Oh the anguish of that time!
I didn't truly understand fully what God had done through Jesus for me until later- but that day crying out in the shower was the beginning and an end, and I am so grateful that I was broken so that I could NEED Him.

Taking His lead

Since last Thursday's facebook update about wanting to collect sleeping bags for the homeless I have been just completely humbled, overwhelmed, excited, and amazed at how many people are feeling led to give what they can to this cause. I am a person who is not usually lost for words- in fact I can be quite the chatterbox, especially if I've had too much caffeine. I'm pretty sure when I was younger I gave a few people headaches:) And yet this whole experience has left me speechless at times.
In ONE week God has shown up over and over, blessing this mission to gather some supplies to bring warmth to our brothers and sisters who need it most.
Trisha started some collection sites, and encouraged me to do that as well. Erik provided a name and logo and connected me to an event with Breakthrough Ministries. Eriko will be donating to a future silent auction, Sarah has shared with friends and encouraged me to start a facebook group. Pastor Yauch said Bible Baptist said yes to being a collection site, Colin gathered supplies and spreading the word, Emily told her company and money was donated, Todd spent a long time sharing with me and educating me about BTM and gave me a clearer view and direction for Bag the Cold as well as invited Bag the Cold to collect at a Spaghetti Dinner, and this is just the beginning...
Talk about major affirmation! It feels so good to know that when you say, "OK LORD I'm willing- just lead me" He does exactly that- and then so much more!
Several times this week in conversation with the LORD I have said- "This is bigger than me, and I don't have a clue what I am doing, but I do know you would not bring me to it without bringing me through it, so I trust you and I put it all in your hands." "So just please help me LORD to be obedient"
As I write this I am just so excited to be included in something so sacred and special- a journey that will allow me to get to know some people He's near and dear to- and that my friends, is quite an honor. So I write this with a grateful and humble heart. Thankful for what He has already done and excited about what He's yet to do.
I'm ready LORD. Lead me.

Finding My Wings

This blog post and blog in general has been a few months in the making. Well here we go! I'm excited to finally write this post that was bubbling out of me a few months back.
Thursday nights are a very special night for me. I meet with a wonderful group of friends whom I have had the pleasure of knowing now for three years. They have seen it all- the good, the bad, and the ugly and still accept me and love me for who I am. What a blessing, and I would not give this time up with them for anything in the world.
On this particular night that I am writing about, I was given two monarch butterfly cocoons. I was so excited! I knew Andrew and Ariana would just absolutely love watching these little cocoons turn into beautiful monarch butterflies (my favorite in fact). I was not sure how long these butterflies would take to come out and the person that gave them to me said it takes awhile for their wings to dry once they open. So we watched, waited, noted changes like the cocoons getting darker and then eventually completely dark, then seeing the wings through the darkness of the cocoon and the dots in a line near the top becoming gold. The next day we had to leave for the part of day. It was a Saturday and I believe we had our son's baseball game to attend to. I actually said to my husband "Great!"" This butterfly is going to open up and we will miss it."
During that time the butterfly would open the cocoon and dry it's wings and then fly around the house. I had not even thought about the fact that we have a cat and she might find that pretty fun.
I get home and the butterfly is indeed out of the cocoon and I begin my search. Then I see our cat midnight pawing at the grate on the bottom of the fridge. I look, at there it is. I felt so bad.
I put Midnight in our bedroom and remove the grate and rescue the butterfly. It is trying to fly but not well. Not sure what to do and it's near bedtime, I cut a piece of watermelon and put her on it to feed, in a little dish and set it on our deck where I could see through the sliding glass door. Next I start researching butterfly's. This ones wings where tattered but didn't have any missing chunks. The edge on one side looked pretty bad though. I thought we'll see what tomorrow brings. I was not up to do any butterfly wing surgery at 11pm.
The next morning, Ariana and I go out and the butterfly is on my finger. I don't know if it will fly and am feeling pretty bad about this whole thing that could have been avoided if I would have planned better. And I really didn't want my kids after a week or so of watching it change-to watch it die.
"God let this butterfly live" Yes, when you are a mommy you even pray for butterflies :) I was stunned when a minute later it just takes off. I'm thinking it won't go far, and this is so sad. Nope we watch as it gets higher and higher over the top of the trees and can't see it anymore.
It was so exciting! The butterfly is OK!
The thoughts that were following this experience were very spiritual for me. This simple yet beautiful experience taught me a lot about my relationship with God.
I'm that butterfly.
I'm the one who was left alone, who got hurt. I'm the one who was hiding and needing rescue. I'm the one who needed protection, nourishment, and love. And in the end I'm the one who God restored and encouraged and helped me find my wings. And this journey with Him has taken me farther than I could ever see.
God used this experience to teach me about who I am and who He is.
And when i think about it, even today months later, I am in awe of His awesome goodness to love a little butterfly like me.