Letting Go

I have swollen eyes that hurt from all the tears. I have a heart breaking because a woman I have come to love and deeply respect has shared with me she is ready. She is ready to meet the Lord and be with all her loved ones that have gone before her.

As my mind floods to all the sweet memories we have had, happy times shared, sad times too, oh the tears just flow. She was there on our wedding day, she was there when our babies were born, she was there when we bought our first home, and then our second, she was there. Through all these years she has shown us love and wisdom. She has loved my children like her own, she has loved me like her own.

This special woman we call grandma. She's my husbands grandma Alice, but by marriage she became my grandma too. She recently told my daughter "You have no idea just how much I love you" I cried as she spoke those words of my heart. Sweet grandma Alice you have no idea just how much I love you too.

As you prepare to meet your maker, I cannot help feel so sad. I am loosing not only a grandma but a mom. You have taught how to live and love and be a mother. You have shown me and my babies so much love. You have shown love to my husband, and I know he sees you like a mom too. O how we love you and will so deeply miss you.

I know I should be so grateful that you know and love the Lord and that because of your faith I will see you again. But in this moment all I can see is what I will loose.

I don't even know how to begin to thank you for loving us the way you have. We are so blessed to know you and call you grandma.

Spreading their Wings

On Monday my baby started Kindergarten and my first born started Middle School. They got accepted just two weeks prior into a public charter school that I and several others had been praying for them to get into. I was excited, happy, overwhelmed, and sad. It seems like I just brought these two precious blessings home from the hospital, and now here we were at these major milestones in their lives.

I cried after drop off the first day. The second day I was in shock that I literally had 4 hours to myself in the mornings, and that it would continue! That has not happened since hmmmmmmmmmmm? Does college count? Today my daughter got into the car after I picked her up from kindergarten and was sad she could not stay all day like some of the all day kindergarten kids. Whoa that took me for a surprise! I am happy she is loving school!

My son is loving his new school as well and enjoys having different classes and different teachers. He's been told if he'd like advanced work in math they can arrange that (take that old school district who didn't think he was gifted)

So I wonder who really needs to spread their wings and fly? Them or me? I gotta say these baby birds are happily soaring to great heights and all that time spent nurturing them in the nest is paying off.

So now I am pondering me. What's a mama bird to do when her little ones happily leave the nest and find their wings?

I must admit I feel a little lost, unsure. What now?

I'm finding peace in this uncertainty and the unknown by looking back at where I was and with excitement dreaming about where I'll be.

It's gonna be good I can feel it! I am one blessed mama bird.

Be Still

Today was truly an unexpectedly and profoundly amazing day. I knew it would be such a nice respite from the daily grind. I'm not complaining about the daily grind- it's good, and I am hugely blessed as a stay home mommy and I know that. Every part of my being knows that- and I often thank God for giving me the desires of my heart.

I have been looking forward to this day for a few days now. I got up this morning and was feeling a little guilty about sending the kids off with my husband to Rochester for Andrew's travel basketball tournament and having the entire day and night and a big chunk of tomorrow ALONE. I thought about this some and came to the realization it had been over 12 years since I have done that. I have had trips with my husband, a business trip, womens retreats, mission trips, and we have had nice family trips, but ALONE? Nope not since college. And I graduated back in '98- so you do the math.

I started out the day at Urgent Care. Finally after over a moonth of ear pain I went in and had as I suspected a nice double ear infection going on. Got the Zithromax and filled the Rx. I must say I rather enjoyed being able to go to the Dr without kids in tow, I even brought a book. Imagine that- being able to read at Urgent Care. Simply doesn't happen. But today it did.
After that I went to the pharmacy and got a Vanilla Rooibos tea while I waited for the Rx. Another amazing thing: I walked out of Target with only having purchased a tea.

At this point, I have my meds and the WHOLE day before me. I felt like a kid in a candy shop. I decided to head over to Cleary Lake and walk around it. I usually don't go there with the kids because it's too far for Ariana's little legs to walk.

As I walked around the lake it was so quiet. It was so peaceful....and I was reminded of all the times I went there as a kid and the fun I had. It is still such a special place for me. The air was crisp and the sun bright. There were a few friendly walkers and runners on the path- maybe 5 people total. I took time to just listen to the leaves rustle in the trees and notice the winter beauty all around me.

Once my walk was complete, I was starting to feel a bit hungry and it was lunchtime. I got to decide where I would like to eat. I went to Valley Natural where I usually shop for our groceries. This time I went alone. If you want a wonderful shopping experience- try going without your kids. It is so amazing to just go in get what you want, take your time, and not have it be a blur where you are rushing through as fast as you can all the while chasing after your preschool children and answering a bazillion questions. At the checkout I must have looked quite peaceful (probably the first time EVER) because the cashier says and I quote, "What's the deal with you?" I was confused. Then it hit me he was not used to seeing a calm Amy at the store. "I'm kid free!"(and it's written all over my face)I said.

After lunch- (which was AMAZING)....I just have to tell you what I had. Chicken salad wrapped in Red Bibb Hydroponic lettuce topped with sprouted beans, organic red grapes, some smokies almonds and a little honey greek yogurt. Oh yeah and an oatmeal fudge bar from the bakery case. I didn't make any of it and didn't have to clean up any dishes either:)

After lunch I felt another walk around another lake was in order. I went to another favorite spot: Jensen Lake at Lebanon Hills not too far from home. This was after a quick stop for a Chai tea warm up.

The trails are snow covered at Jensen lake and the sound of crunching snow was lovely. It inspired me to actually get those pair of snow shoes I have been wanting so long now. As I walked I took it all in again, and I felt the stresses and pressures start to fade once again. My mind started to clear of my build up from the week. I felt with every step less and less care. It was like it was just slipping away and all I had now was crunching snow, sunshine, and rusting leaves. And when I stopped walking at times it was completely silent except for an occasional bird. It was during this time that I realized that I NEED this. I need to break away to quiet places and just be alone with nature and God.

Somehow during the course of having kids, working, getting married, and becoming a stay home mommy I forgot what really soothes my soul more than anything: alone time in nature...

It's there that I feel calm, grounded, and closest to my creator. I feel safe, secure, happy, content, rejuvenated, alive.

It's no surprise I love to run, hike,cc ski, snowshoe, camp, etc... I love the solitude and always have.

This is not rocket science, but I learned a valuable lesson today. It was this: whatever restores you and brings you peace in this busy and hectic world- find time to do it! Don't get so lost in your work whatever that may be that you forget what really restores you. Maybe you don't need a quiet stroll in nature like I do, but there is something that you need. Don't try to fill it with something else and think that will meet it. I thought the times I had an hour or two alone was good enough, a long bath while reading a book was good enough, or a trip to the store alone was good enough...but it wasn't.

I have found I needed a day to just be me, to get out in nature and loose track of the time, schedules, and "to do" lists.

I almost feel like a new person. Tonight I am going to run on the treadmill and crank up the music loud. Then I am taking a long shower until the hot water runs out...and nobody's gonna need a thing from me. I won't need to convince my daughter to go to bed or do any checking of homework or bedtime stories.

I love my life I really do. I am a very blessed lady who adores my family. I did however learn a big lesson today. It's ok to take a day off. it's ok to let your spouse or significant other take over for a day. It's actually quite therapeutic and helps to restore and renew you, so that you can get back into it fresh and with a new outlook and perspective.

We can't forget in the mist of all we do as people and parents to take care of ourselves, and that includes really giving yourself time and the freedom to nuture yourself- however that may look.

Eyes Wide Open

As a rule, I try to live my life with my eyes wide open to my surroundings. I attempt to live out my faith and come along side those who are hurting because I know that is what Jesus calls me to do and because I feel most alive and full of joy when I love people the way Jesus loves me. In some way I feel like I am being healed as well in the process because I am learning to step out of my comfort zone and reach out and allow myself to be vulnerable.

Today my eyes were overwhelmed and it reminded me of the trips I have taken to Africa. My eyes were just visually overloaded at all that was before me; so many people with hurting eyes and so many needs and I knew it was just a small fraction of the homeless in Minnesota let alone the United States.

I found myself looking at the pavement at times and needing to take small breaks- needing to process it all. One particular story about a man whose parents kicked him out of the home when he was 14 years old hit me really hard today as he described to me the situation that caused him to be homeless for a time.
It was like a knife in my heart because my mom kicked me out about 2 months after I turned 16 even though it was against my dad's wishes. I was fortunate my grandparents took me in or I would have probably run away and ended up homeless myself.

The reality is homelessness happens for a variety of reasons. We need to care and we need to start living with Eyes Wide Open. It is not a stretch to say that any one of us could end up in this position given a few bad events that we had no control over. We have to decide to start seeing people, reaching out, loving, listening, sharing, and caring. We also need to step out in faith. God doesn't take you to places without equipping you. Let go of the fear; fear is not of God.

You never know how God is going to use your willingness to follow Him. Because of my willingness today, He brought a difficult memory bundled with suppressed feelings to the surface in order order to aide in healing through the story of homelessness.

Love and Staples

Today I decided that I needed to "hit the ground running" and get some things done that I have had on my mind for a new ministry that God created: Bag the Cold.
I needed to run some errands and bring my really cute sidekick Ariana with me.

Before we left I explained that we were going to make signs so that people will know where they can donate sleeping bags and other items for the homeless. Which led to her having questions. She asked, "Doesn't God give everyone a home mama?" I explained that we have to work and pay for our homes every month, and that it can be really hard to do that if a problem comes up like you get sick, have lost your job, etc. I think she was starting to understand what I was saying and then she said, "That makes my heart hurt mama."

I just sat there, stunned. "It really makes my heart hurt too honey."

I get her ready to go and in the car. We go to Staples and while I am there I call my husband to get logo e-mailed to my phone so then I can e-mail it to the store using my phone all the while trying to manage figuring out what sign I need and answering questions about the flavors of suckers next to the register that my Dollie is asking me. It was a little hectic and I am not so great with the whole techie thing.

The sweet lady working there just comes to my rescue. She gets paper and markers for Ariana to draw, she waits patiently for e-mails to come through, she is super sweet with all the pictures Ariana needs to show her, answers a bazillion questions of Ariana's, lets Ariana come behind the counter and "help" laminate, plays a quick tic-tac-toe game with her, and acts amazed that she can put her jacket on a special way and zip it by herself.

During this time of entertaining my daughter and helping me with my 15 signs, she asked a lot about Bag the Cold, Breakthrough Ministries, and the homeless. It was amazing!

I was stunned. What an incredibly nice person! All the while she was handling other customers with grace. This is the BEST customer service I've ever received. My 5 year old daughter left feeling special and I was so grateful for such kindness.

God reached out today and loved on me and my little girl big time~ through a really beautiful person at Staples.

What a treasure. Let us all strive to be that kind of person.

Intentionally Broken

This winter has been very harsh here in MN.

EVERY time I have had to get in my car it's so cold I can barely stand waiting for the car to warm up or to be cold long enough to buckle my daughter in her car seat. I have resented living h here.

I usually handle winters better, reminding myself that this is the season where life slows down a little bit and you can drink warm beverages and go sledding and let the kids enjoy the snow.

I'm usually the one trying to get my trim hubby out in it- encouraging him to just put on a few more layers and move around.

Not this winter. THIS winter I have been broken.

Broken hearted over it.

God started whispering in my ear. "Can you imagine being homeless here in MN right now, Amy?" "Can you imagine what it would feel like in -25 to -35 below with windchill even for 5 minutes?" "Would you be tempted to drink a bottle of booze instead of eating food with that $5 just to numb the pain?"

"How can you complain about feeling cold when you have a house, a heater?" What if you didn't have a home?" "What if you were homeless and lucky enough to have a car to live out of but no money for gas to heat it?"

God kept popping these questions into my head. And I was breaking apart.

CONVICTED, BROKEN, HURTING for my brothers and sisters.

I felt hopeless to the problem. "What can I do?" "Lord, THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE!"

I feel angry that this problem even exits in MN. I think it's totally unacceptable and was telling God this.

I was angry hearing that tents and makeshift homes get stashed.

"What can we do God so people don't freeze?"

He Answered: "Collect below zero sleeping bags."

"OK LORD I WILL."

I said yes to God Jan 20th. Since then He has taken over and birthed Bag the Cold, a ministry to provide sleeping bags and other items needed to bring warmth to our homeless brothers and sisters.

After I said "YES LORD" Josh Wilson's new song "I Refuse" came on the radio. I cried the whole way home.

I was intentionally broken this winter. It is a winter I will never forget.

Thank you God for helping me see what hurts you. Thanks Lord for everything.

Still Worth It

I am not sure where the inspiration is coming from, maybe I am on a roll here as I am slowly getting used to this form of expressing my thoughts and feelings. But I've had this thought on my brain for awhile now, so why not share?

We are a one income family since we made the decision for me to stay home after Ariana was born and raise the kids versus paying out an arm and a leg to have somebody else watch our kids. It was a prayer of mine at the time to be able to make life work on one income so that it could be a reality, which was answered when my husband took a new job at the company he is currently at. Although a blessing, we needed to learn new ways of living (shall we say being frugal.

I am very careful about all purchases I make. We talk about the budget a lot, and there is very little wiggle room. It has not been easy, but I have learned so much! I have learned to live with less and be content with less. I don't buy new except some gifts for others because it is such a waste of money!! I have repaired and renewed things in our home. I even sewed two comforters together in my sons' room to make a "new" warmer one.

I have sewn gloves two, maybe three times, worn the same shoes for years, and bought used clothing for the family. And you know what? I feel good about not needing to "keep up" with the latest fashions; I like simple and comfortable. Don't get me wrong, it's nice to "dress up" and sometimes and I do that, but that's on the cheap too. I don't think this new part of me will ever really change even if our budget does. I like all the money I "save" by being thrifty.

This brings me to the car: The '99 Silver Ford Contour I bought new when Andrew was a baby (a huge mistake made out of desperation for reliable vehicle for work). I have an emotional attachment to that car but it's nothing nice to look at now.
Years ago, I was side swiped by a city truck when we lived in St. Paul. The car was still "new" then so we fixed it up. Also, three years ago, when coming home Paul was rear ended. At this point, the car was deemed "totaled"; not worth putting money into as my husband tells me. The back bumper is a crunched mess, the trunk barely opens, the dash has bubbled up from a bad design, and right now the heat is stuck on low.

And yet the car will be twelve years old in September and has been paid off for eight years. The little vehicle has served us well and continues to do so and we have never had to sink a bunch of money into it except regular maintenance. So I think good old Betsy deserves a little TLC: a new bumper and a heater repair. all this work not in the budget right now but I'm not giving up hope. A few little fixes, some cleaning, and she'll be good as new. I'm not gonna give up on her, I am gonna take care of her like she's cared for us all these years. Yeah my car has a name, she's a she, and I am a little too attached perhaps. Good old Betsy has saved us a hefty car payment for many years and I am grateful.

This is how I think God feels about us, He sees beneath the exterior. Beyond the broken and crushed parts of us, past the defects, well beyond the muck and grime. He sees the core of us, the strength, the perseverance, the shiny parts, and then says: "Yep that's one good investment. She's worth fixing up, a tune up, or even an overhaul and some day she's gonna be NEW. I have a whole new body for that one and I can't wait until I can give it to her".

Letting Go

I was asked recently to share my faith story. Since I am wide awake and it's quiet, I'm gonna share it with you too.
Some of you know this, some of you don't, and now you will. I was a single mom once. And NO I am not ashamed of that fact, because it brought me to the point that I am about to tell you about.
I was 23, living on my own, in a crappy (but affordable) apartment. I was happy to be employed, sad I was only making 10 dollars an hour with my degree and all, glad to be away from an empty and lonely engagement with my son's biological father, sad I was working long days and just dead beat tired all the time. My son was what kept me going every day- happy, smiley, loving little Andrew. I still smile when I think about the fact that he was the biggest gift of unexpected joy God had given me in my life up until that point. Yeah graduating college was great, but having my son to love- the BEST!
Anyway, sometimes though the pressure of just making the bills day in and day out would get to me and I'd cry in the shower. It was the only place I could cry without waking my infant son in the evenings.
One night I'm in the shower and just sobbing really. The kind that just wells up out of you and is uncontrollable. It had to come out- there was no way to even try and stifle these raw emotions. It was like my chance to let "strong" Amy off the hook since the work of the day was done, and "hurting" Amy could express herself.
Anyway, I am just feeling so beaten down and broken. Not hopeless, but just plain exhausted. I was doing it ALL alone, and the weight of it all was heavy.
At this point in my life I believed in God, prayed a little bit, went to church sometimes, and didn't have much time to read my bible. I didn't have much of a relationship with God. I didn't know how much He loved me.
I'm crying and I just fall to my knees and ask God to come into my life and take over. "I can't do it alone". "If I'm gonna be a single mom for the rest of my life I'm gonna need help". That was my prayer.
It was my continual prayer for awhile. "I NEED your help God".
It was also the beginning of feeling like I could tell God everything. It was the beginning of me not trying to do it all on my own anymore, the beginning of me learning to "Let go and Let God".
From that point on I started to notice life not necessarily getting easier, just filled with more hope. There wasn't the despair, and the weight of being a single mom seemed manageable.
It was the beginning of learning about my Savior. Each pain that I have gone through in life since has just strengthened this relationship. I learned and grew throughout them, not handling on my own, but allowing God to be with me in it.
Prior to this crying out to God, I just handled it all myself- and not so well at times. Oh the anguish of that time!
I didn't truly understand fully what God had done through Jesus for me until later- but that day crying out in the shower was the beginning and an end, and I am so grateful that I was broken so that I could NEED Him.

Taking His lead

Since last Thursday's facebook update about wanting to collect sleeping bags for the homeless I have been just completely humbled, overwhelmed, excited, and amazed at how many people are feeling led to give what they can to this cause. I am a person who is not usually lost for words- in fact I can be quite the chatterbox, especially if I've had too much caffeine. I'm pretty sure when I was younger I gave a few people headaches:) And yet this whole experience has left me speechless at times.
In ONE week God has shown up over and over, blessing this mission to gather some supplies to bring warmth to our brothers and sisters who need it most.
Trisha started some collection sites, and encouraged me to do that as well. Erik provided a name and logo and connected me to an event with Breakthrough Ministries. Eriko will be donating to a future silent auction, Sarah has shared with friends and encouraged me to start a facebook group. Pastor Yauch said Bible Baptist said yes to being a collection site, Colin gathered supplies and spreading the word, Emily told her company and money was donated, Todd spent a long time sharing with me and educating me about BTM and gave me a clearer view and direction for Bag the Cold as well as invited Bag the Cold to collect at a Spaghetti Dinner, and this is just the beginning...
Talk about major affirmation! It feels so good to know that when you say, "OK LORD I'm willing- just lead me" He does exactly that- and then so much more!
Several times this week in conversation with the LORD I have said- "This is bigger than me, and I don't have a clue what I am doing, but I do know you would not bring me to it without bringing me through it, so I trust you and I put it all in your hands." "So just please help me LORD to be obedient"
As I write this I am just so excited to be included in something so sacred and special- a journey that will allow me to get to know some people He's near and dear to- and that my friends, is quite an honor. So I write this with a grateful and humble heart. Thankful for what He has already done and excited about what He's yet to do.
I'm ready LORD. Lead me.

Finding My Wings

This blog post and blog in general has been a few months in the making. Well here we go! I'm excited to finally write this post that was bubbling out of me a few months back.
Thursday nights are a very special night for me. I meet with a wonderful group of friends whom I have had the pleasure of knowing now for three years. They have seen it all- the good, the bad, and the ugly and still accept me and love me for who I am. What a blessing, and I would not give this time up with them for anything in the world.
On this particular night that I am writing about, I was given two monarch butterfly cocoons. I was so excited! I knew Andrew and Ariana would just absolutely love watching these little cocoons turn into beautiful monarch butterflies (my favorite in fact). I was not sure how long these butterflies would take to come out and the person that gave them to me said it takes awhile for their wings to dry once they open. So we watched, waited, noted changes like the cocoons getting darker and then eventually completely dark, then seeing the wings through the darkness of the cocoon and the dots in a line near the top becoming gold. The next day we had to leave for the part of day. It was a Saturday and I believe we had our son's baseball game to attend to. I actually said to my husband "Great!"" This butterfly is going to open up and we will miss it."
During that time the butterfly would open the cocoon and dry it's wings and then fly around the house. I had not even thought about the fact that we have a cat and she might find that pretty fun.
I get home and the butterfly is indeed out of the cocoon and I begin my search. Then I see our cat midnight pawing at the grate on the bottom of the fridge. I look, at there it is. I felt so bad.
I put Midnight in our bedroom and remove the grate and rescue the butterfly. It is trying to fly but not well. Not sure what to do and it's near bedtime, I cut a piece of watermelon and put her on it to feed, in a little dish and set it on our deck where I could see through the sliding glass door. Next I start researching butterfly's. This ones wings where tattered but didn't have any missing chunks. The edge on one side looked pretty bad though. I thought we'll see what tomorrow brings. I was not up to do any butterfly wing surgery at 11pm.
The next morning, Ariana and I go out and the butterfly is on my finger. I don't know if it will fly and am feeling pretty bad about this whole thing that could have been avoided if I would have planned better. And I really didn't want my kids after a week or so of watching it change-to watch it die.
"God let this butterfly live" Yes, when you are a mommy you even pray for butterflies :) I was stunned when a minute later it just takes off. I'm thinking it won't go far, and this is so sad. Nope we watch as it gets higher and higher over the top of the trees and can't see it anymore.
It was so exciting! The butterfly is OK!
The thoughts that were following this experience were very spiritual for me. This simple yet beautiful experience taught me a lot about my relationship with God.
I'm that butterfly.
I'm the one who was left alone, who got hurt. I'm the one who was hiding and needing rescue. I'm the one who needed protection, nourishment, and love. And in the end I'm the one who God restored and encouraged and helped me find my wings. And this journey with Him has taken me farther than I could ever see.
God used this experience to teach me about who I am and who He is.
And when i think about it, even today months later, I am in awe of His awesome goodness to love a little butterfly like me.